Ever heard of philophobia? It is a disorder in which people cannot
exchange kisses or caresses, creating a blockage for situations of loving and
affective relationships. Those who suffer from this fear of love are usually,
people who have had traumas in past relationships and amorous delusions and
simply cannot forget and let go of those memories and pain.
Many people can suffer
and end their relationships, including going through a certain depression and
getting back to life, this is natural, but people who suffer from philophobia
often have stronger symptoms, including physical symptoms such as dry mouth,
nausea, breathing breathlessness, shortness of breath, sweating, panic attack,
shaken hands, crying crisis and other variations when thinking about getting
involved in another relationship.
Out of fear of
rejection, these people who are afraid to love avoid any kind of affective
involvement, despairing only at the thought of it coming to pass. If the
disease is not treated, people can avoid marriage at all costs for fear of
divorce or seizures. Therefore, those who suffer from philophobia should seek
the help of a psychologist and psychiatrist to find the causes of this fear and
cure them. See below what are the main causes of fear of loving.
Heartbreak
The biggest cause of
philophobia is when a person has already suffered a disappointment of love at
some point in their life. When you are betrayed or someone you have much
appreciation ends with you, you run out of steam, it seems that everything
around you will dissipate and succumb, but that feeling tends to improve over
time. They say that time heals everything, does not it?
Usually yes, no matter
how long it takes, but if over time the wounds remain latent and ardent as if
they were recent and this stops you from moving on with your life, meeting new
people and becoming emotionally involved again, it may be that you are
suffering from philophobia. If you’ve gone through series of disappointments
you cannot trust anyone else and you always insist on comparing all your new
partners with the people you've become involved with, even though they may be
completely different.
You tend to spread to
the four corners that all men are equal, that none of them will compliment you
as you need and that, as incredible as they may seem at first, sooner or later
they will break your heart. Living in this expectation that something bad will
happen and that you cannot give yourself completely to anyone is not healthy at
all. This can interfere with your physical and mental well-being, disrupt your
work performance, studies, and the relationships you maintain with your loved
ones (family and friends).
To overcome this you
must know that everyone goes through disappointments and that everyone can move
on, forgetting the past and allowing themselves to love again.
True love, there is only
one
Another cause, similar
to the disappointment of love, is to have had an intense, strong and true love
and to believe that it was the only one of your life. There are women who
believe in true love and soul mate, and when they meet that man they claim to
be the chosen one, the one who will be that person, who provides everything she
needs to be happy and fills her completely, they feel as if they are
irreplaceable.
Of course, each person
differs from the other and no relationship is the same, but that does not mean
that you will never find anyone else better or you will have a relationship as
happy as what you had.
In fact, it is not the
"best", but rather enough to make you happy and fulfilled. The next
relationship you have does not have to be the best, it just needs to be healthy
for you. If a woman loses a partner she imagined to be the real one, her soul
mate, she tends to close and be disappointed with love, as if she would have no
one else in her life, and develops a certain fear of loving again.
Having this thought is
the first step to actually not finding anyone. A woman needs to accept what has
happened and know that this is not the end, that many possibilities will come,
just as she will meet other interesting people along the way.
Low self-esteem
Another cause for the
fear of loving, a little less common, is low self-esteem. Women who are not
satisfied with their body or their personality tend to have very low
self-esteem and this disrupts their loving involvement. The fear of love can be
traced to this lack of self-love.
If a woman cannot see
her physical attributes, her strengths, qualities, no one will likely see, too.
This sense of self-contempt can make her close and give up on love, imagining
that she will never find anyone who accepts her and likes her as she is. In
some cases, this fact is a motivator for her to grow and look prettier, but in
others, this can cause her to sink even more.
Negative experience
An intensely negative
experience in the past may have triggered the reaction and caused the condition
some therapists believe. The patient who suffers from philophobia has wounds
from a divorce (personal divorce or Divorce from parents) watching parent fight
or break up or witness domestic violence in their infancy prevents them from
any potential situation of being hurt again by a lover.
Culture and Religion
Under certain circumstances,
many cultures and religions place relationships between men and women as
illicit and frown on romantic love. This can cause intense panic in the mind of
the person who possesses philophobia since they firmly believe they will incur
the wrath of the elders or God if they have feelings or thoughts about love.
Bad luck
Bad
luck does prevent people from loving. Persons who suffer this, feel they are
cursed and anyone they get close to something bad happens to them. Most of the
bad happens when the relationship is at its apex or the love birds decide to tie
the knot. The wife or husband to be die suddenly, lose their job or even get
mad. This situation can make it very difficult for the affected individual to
love or even to start a relationship especially if the experience has occurred
several times in their life. In my part of the world, these issues are very common
and they are not normal occurrences, it is believed to be spiritual and as a
matter of fact, it is. Most are solved only by spiritual means. Career type
A person’s career to some degree determines their quality of life. People in certain professions cannot love because their type of work demand that they can’t love, be in a relationship or even marry. These people fall in love alright but just can’t start the relationship because the other partner's life will be in danger or they would just not have that time or drive to keep a romantic relationship.
Symptoms of philophobia
·
They have an intense feeling of stress or tiredness. They
feel like a huge burden is being placed on them and the weight is just too much
to bear.
·
For philophobics the idea of a relationship or just
the thought of the person they have a romantic feeling for just knocks them out
of control.
·
Some philophobics go through constant panic attacks.
·
For those that the fear of loving is very severe, at
the thought of a relationship can make them vomit.
·
Philophobics become very anxious around people and
they become very ant-social. Maintaining friendship becomes a big problem.
·
If the philophobic is a student they might find it
difficult to study and if the sufferer is a professional it affects their
productivity at work.
·
For people with extreme philophobia, it is a nightmare
at the mention of a romantic relationship and it can trigger extreme anxiety.
·
For some they can’t touch or be touched and worse of
all they can’t kiss their loved ones.
·
Philophobia is much high in women than men and it is
sometimes hard for the individual to overcome philophobia. In most extreme
cases the sufferer may demonstrate emotions such as sadness, helplessness, recount
sad memories.
·
Some philophobics can intentionally disfigure themselves.
They can make themselves to become disgusting and unattractive, stop using cosmetics,
stop taking proper care of themselves and even to the extent of disfiguring
themselves with tattoos burns and scares.
How to overcome the fear of loving?
At some point, everyone will go through disillusionment or feel
down and you need to know how to overcome especially the fear of loving. In
fact, there is no exact formula or medicine to solve this problem.
The first step to overcoming philophobia is to admit that you indeed have philophobia and it a problem. The most dangerous thing to do is to pretend that there is nothing wrong with you and you a completely fine. Your illusive idea of being ok can be devastating in the long run. Do not deceive yourself into believing that what you are going through is normal and with time it will get better. Till you recognize you are naked you would not find leaves to cover yourself nor hid among trees to cover your shame.
Let go of the past
Most of us our past sometimes turn to have a great influence on us in the present. I learned of a story where this guy had no hope for his future and had a very low self-wealth. What happened was he lived in a very hostile environment in his childhood, where he head things like ‘you are good for nothing’, ‘you are useless’, ‘when people are talking you too do not say some’. An environment that made him to feel less of a human, an environment that depleted his dignity as a human being.
Now this fine gentleman is really straggling to put himself together, he can’t propose to a lady left alone to start a relationship because he feels no one will accept him, love him, he has no self-confidence.
I must say our past experiences are very powerful and if we do not manage them well they can ruin our lives. So to be able to overcome the fear of falling in love try hard to let go of the past. I know this might be difficult but it needful.
Be ready to go through the process
Philophobia like any other phobia treatment takes time. At this point, you need patience to go through the process. You need to get committed to overcoming the fear of falling in love. Your doctor might ask you to do things that will stretch you or things that do not appeal to you. Treatment cloud take weeks months and even years depending on the severity of the condition and how committed you are to overcoming the phobia.
Check to see what the trigger is
Your phobia is definitely linked to some negative experience in the past. Fine what actually is causing your fear, is it that your first painful break up, divorce, childhood experience of unhappy and unloving home, could be that you hardly saw your parent because they valued their work than you, or you had a mother who never gave you attention and affection, or you were used and dumped. Fine the link and deal with it. Ether you will forgive or talk to a therapist about what actually made you become philophobic. There is always a link find it.
Get help
You really need help, even America as the superpower of the world needs help. One thing that can prevent you from getting help is the fear of what others will say and the feeling of embarrassment. Do not let what people think take a greater part of you. It is your life, you are the best person to tell what is wrong with you and how what you are going through is affecting your life. Talk to someone you can trust and you know this person can help you out of your misery.
If you have no such person in your life go and see a therapist or your doctor, it will do you a lot of good.
Treatment of philophobia
Cognitive behavioral therapy
For
most people who have won the battle over philophobia say cognitive behavioral
therapy has been their savior. Through cognitive therapy, you would learn how to change
your negative take on love to a positive one. With the help of the therapist,
he or she will make it come to known the very thing that makes you dried
romantic engagements and commitment.Desensitization therapy
Desensitization therapy is one common form of therapy used to treat if not all at least most types of phobia. It also called exposure therapy, a philophobic is present with or exposed to situations that cause their anxiety. The sufferer will be made to come face to face with a live setting or the use of virtual reality to create a similar situation. It all depends on what the therapist thinks is best.
Medication
In some severe cases your doctor might prescribe some anxiety drugs for you to use. As I said earlier on there is no drug to cure philophobia but they are just to help cope with the condition and most commonly used are antidepressants like valium and others.
Note
The main antidote to this phobia is yourself.
You should not isolate yourself and avoid social coexistence.
Having loved ones close to you is very healthy for your life. So, interact with
your friends and allow yourself to meet new people. The world is full of
interesting people and meeting more people does not mean that you need to be
emotionally involved with them. Do this for the sake of conversation, because
at some point, when you least expect it, you may find someone else to
compliment you. And if you do not find it, it does not matter, live your life,
doing the things you enjoy doing and being happy without depending on anyone,
with only a lot of self-love.
